Gossip: Rules to live by

Innuendo. Chinwag. Natter. Gossip.   

It was a regular, recurring interdepartmental conference call. I attended most of the time but had a conflict that week due to a customer meeting. A large group, people occasionally missed the call, so it was recorded and the recording and minutes were distributed afterward. About a dozen directors and vice presidents were on this particular call.

During the call one of my peers started to talk about me indirectly. Without any data, any specific situation or, without even naming me directly at first, they were complaining about my team, saying we weren't doing our job. This was the first I had heard of any of the problems they were bringing up. The examples taken out of context and told only half the story. Eventually they mentioned me by name and went so far as to say something like, “I think he is a good guy, but don’t you think we would be better off with someone else running that team? We could do better doing this with a different structure." 

No formal proposal was made at that time, no one suggested next steps and nothing was added to the meeting minutes. Following the meeting, I got no messages from any of the attendees either informally or formally.  They simply had had a conversation - mostly one person, actually - talking about me behind my back. The purpose, it seemed, was to denigrate my standing in the company, to throw me under the bus.

When I first listened to the recording it felt like a cement block had lodged in my stomach.  Or that a hammer had hit me in the face. I listened to the call again. Three times. I felt paralyzed. I couldn't defend myself or respond. From that point on, I had this sick feeling that people were talking badly about me all the time, saying that I wasn't cutting it, but not a person said anything to my face. When I asked people who attended the call if there was feedback for me to use, no one gave me any guidance. I could not respond. I continued doing my job to the best of my ability.

How much the comments made on that call impacted my position I can't ever know. I do know that in a few months, my leadership role was removed, my team started reporting to the person who made those comments on the call. My reputation was pretty much gone and my career at that company was over.  Shortly after that, I left the company. 

In the short term, this was a tough lesson to learn. It took a while to get over the anger and hurt. In the long term, it has taught me a lot. It helped to thicken my skin. When I hear second hand that something was said about me, I go directly to the person to whom it is attributed and ask. If they wont tell me, I don't think about it very much.  

Most importantly I don’t gossip. Ever. I know how debilitating it is for the person who is being talked about. It also damages the organization. Trust is completely eroded between individuals and teams.

Rules which I follow to the very best of my ability regarding gossip:

1. If it’s not a fact, don’t say it.
• If you are not sure if it’s a fact or not, assume it is not and treat it as such
2. If it was shared in confidence, keep it confidential.
3. Don't listen to idle talk  or anything resembling gossip. 
4. If you happen to hear a rumor, end it.
5. Unless you have permission, explicit permission, don’t share it.
6. If you won’t say it in front of them, don’t say it behind them.

If you have experience and wisdom how you have addressed similar situations please share!